journal

hello, this is my first entry, i guess i should introduce myself, my name is nico, im 16,pronouns are he/him, thats all you need to know, i just created this website today, ill try to write every day, my lifes boring af, but i guess i have some thoughts i need to write down to feel better. i dont know who might read this, but at this point i dont care, i just need to vent, see ya tomorrow!... or maybe in a while

god, im so sad, ive been like this for 4 days, yesterday i had a panic attack, and told my boyfriend while he was playing with his friends, he ignored me, and that really hurt, but then he realized his mistake without me saying anything, and apologized, so i guess its fine, but it still hurt, like a lot, i couldnt stop crying, i had already been feeling bad about other stuff, mostly dysphoria, but that completly broke me, i thought he cared... but its fine, i really like him, and its probs a one time thing, i hope it doesnt happen again.

Other than that, he is the cutest and most amazing person ive ever met, he is awesome, but sometimes i feel like i need more affection and he doesnt give me that, i mean, he is the sweetest, but he is not like that when i need affection the most, sometimes i need someone to just tell me how much i mean to them when im sad, that is, if i mean anything to him lmao

I just want him to hug me and tell me everything will be ok, and that he will be there with me to help, but i dont want him to feel obligated to, i dont want him to feel like im a problem, like im sorry i feel so shitty about myself sometimes, but theres nothing i can do.

well, yesterday i ended up hurting myself, it wasnt that bad, just some deep scratches... i feel guilty about doing it, but it felt great. Yesterday my boyfriend told me he liked cis guys more, which made me upset, cause... im not a cis guy, if that wasnt obvious by now, i think i feel bad about not being able to give him what he wants, he says its fine, and that he loves me the way i am, but i dont really believe it, and godammit, i feel so fucking awful about it, i fucking love him so much, and not being able to give him what he wants hurts me so fucking much. I fucking hate being trans, its so fucking awful, im so motherfucking tired.

update: Just told him about it, i had already told him, but i didnt explain it aswell as i wouldve like too. god!!! why does he take so long to reply?

he just told me im good enough for him, i hope its true.

well, other than that... god, i love him, i can talk about him for hours, he is so cute, both physically and mentally, he knows exactly what to say everytime im feeling down, and he is SO PRETTY, like- who gave you the right to be so damn pretty??? one time when we videocalled he started hiding his face with the sleeves of his hoodie, and like d a m n, that was so fucking cute aaa, i love him so much and i want him to be happy, even if its not with me and its with a cis man, or someone else, i just want him to be happy.

Yesterday I found a song so specific to what happened... Its by addison grace, its called "i wanna be a boy"

A lot happenned today, first of all, couldnt attend like more than half of my classes bc my wifi decided to just die, and second of all, my bf had promised to videcall me today, so i put on a skirt, which i kinda hate doing, but i do it for him, bc he likes it and that makes me happy, i put on eyeliner, curled my hair and everything, AND THEN HE FUCKING TOLD ME HE DIDNT WANNA VIDEOCALL CAUSE HE FELT BAD, i am so fucking tired, why do i have to end up feeling bad everytime he does? i wanted to videocall so fucking bad, ive been waiting for a whole fucking week, he is such a fucking dick sometimes, but i hate saying that cause i know he doesnt really mean it, he is trying... at least thats what i hope.

We talked about it and he said he'll try bc he really loves me and cares about me, but, im scared.

so, yesterday, i found out about "little space" i had already known about it, but never actually looked into it, i heard people use it as a coping mechanism and since i was panicking, i decided to try doing kid's stuff to relax, so i printed out some coloting pages, and watched adventure time while coloring, it was awesome!!! idk if im a little, but doing kid's stuff definetly helps me relax, so thats cool, i know its weird, but maybe its because i had a bad childhood, but my childhood wasnt that bad... so idk. Anyway, i had cut myself 3 times that day, and coloring helped me relax!!! so thats a good thing to know, also look at this kaomoji, its so fricking cute!!! ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

so, im scared to tell my boyfriend i like feeling like a kid, because its weird, he know i colored and watched adventure time, but he doesnt know i actually like feeling like a little kid, so,,, yeah, idk if ill tell him, because its so fucking weird.